Please, let me fuck your mom
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
