i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
