I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
