Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
