genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
this is an emotional support booty call
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
