I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dear god my vagina.
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