No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
