it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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