my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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