I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
