dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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