If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
