He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
