Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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