last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
