im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize