Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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