i just had sex bonerless
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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