I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Hippo gnu deer
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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