Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
