ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
