My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
