There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
