i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
