hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
