I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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