Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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