Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
