Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
