well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
