Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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