I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
