Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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