if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
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