help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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