By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My penis needs a shock collar
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
