I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
