You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
wow bdsm is so cute
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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