Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
