i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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