If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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