so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
