she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize