my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
