Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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