I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize