So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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