if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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