very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize