They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
