He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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