onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize