Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
