Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
