i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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