I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize