I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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