You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize